The nasty thing called depression…

It is amazing how complicated the human brain is, how unexpectedly it can attack and drown you. It can amazingly trigger emotions that you though was gone long ago but was instead waiting in the shadows. My first encounter with depression was in fall 2011. I recall those days to be the darkest in my life where I lost interest in everything and I was basically feeling empty without any purpose in life. Those days were difficult but I worked myself through these difficult days with the help of close friends, parents and treatments. This was the first time I understood the importance of surrounding yourself with people who would be there when you needed them physically and emotionally. I started to slowly improve and decided that I could fight this thing called depression with the emotional support I was offered. I did also defeat this nasty thing called depression and I continued my life peacefully up until December 2018. 

December 2018 was a month filled with hardships. Unexpected news I got in the beginning of the month challenged my peaceful existence and slowly the depression started to creep up under my skin and took over in the end of the month. One episode triggered this major breakdown that I am struggling to overcome. In a minute, one sentence turned everything upside down. Ever since that day I haven’t slept properly and I have been in a state of mind where nothing mattered. I was simply hurting so bad inside that I started to believe that I would never be the same person again. This feeling of hurt was replaced by a feeling of emptiness. Dealing with these strong emotions in my head, I was still trying to hold up a positive image to people around while I would cry myself to sleep at night. Sometimes, some eposides or situations reminds you of how lonely you are in reality. Sometimes you reach out to people, ask for help but when your cries for help is not returned you sink deeper into this blackhole that consumes you bit by bit. 

Living in a country far away from my family reminded me continuously of how lonely I was in the core. I decided to turn to friends I considered family here but I felt like I bothered them with my problems so I just continued to set up an image of a positive me while I was breaking apart inside. I felt worthless and sad. The only thing I wanted was emotional support in my cries for help but in the end I realised that I had to be my own support. I realised that I had a voice back in the days with this blog. I realised how putting these feelings into words would make me feel lighter and relieved. This blog has always been about my experiences with the Korean culture and education however this time I wanted to open up and show my vulnerable side to the few people actually reading this blog. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for weeks now and I am still struggling to get the pieces together. This process have also taught me how important it is to have reliable support mechanisms around you and how much being heard actually matters to someone battling with this nasty thing called depression. 

Lastly, I don’t want to worry anyone out there. I am fine and I will hopefully be better soon. I simply wanted to talk about my experience with depression. Thank you for reading and listening to me… It means a lot to be heard. 

Ruru~

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3 thoughts on “The nasty thing called depression…

  1. Life can be so hard, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been experiencing the same thing with the end of 2018 and beginning of 2019, and some days it can be hard to keep your head above water.

    But let’s keep trying. Keep trying for one day, one hour, one minute at a time. This too shall pass. Fighting <3

  2. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Many people like to romanticize things like anxiety and depression but it is a very real affliction that can be overwhelming and make you feel like something has taken over from inside out like a parasite, sucking your joy and normalcy bit by bit, in isolation. I eventually got better on my own, but it was a horrible feeling. I realized something, that it is very very much how we think and choose for our internal dialogue, it’s so easy to fall into the negative mindset and wallow in somewhat of a comfort zone of misery, just giving in, but you have to fight, find the fire deep within you that’s always been there. I recently watched a video of this girl who went to another country, starting life over and unfortunately she was assaulted, robbed and the assailant pushed her into a train, resulting in her leg getting severed on the spot. She spoke of her experience, traumatised but what was beautiful was that she chose to pick something that was going to benefit her for the sake of her mental health, to not focus on getting upset about the assailant possibly getting away scott free, to not focus on the sad things even though that’s the reality. The mind is powerful, it can colour the world and at the same time turn it black and white, but remember that you are holding onto the controls, don’t let it control you. I believe everyone has this strength, I pray you will find the resiliance and determination and do talk to your loved ones about what you are going through.

    :)

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